Jersey Shore valiantly fell to American Idol in today’s first-round battle of the Reality Rumble. And so it is time to pay tribute to this proud, bacteria-slathered, defeated warrior. The MTV phenomenon had many constants, like Snooki’s inebriation and the Situation’s libido, but one of the more prevalent endless loops was Sammi “Sweetheart” Giancola and Ronnie Ortiz-Magro’s cycle of fighting and making up in the time it takes most people to bake a good lasagna. Strangely enough, this relationship, like so many others forged on the boardwalk of Seaside Heights, has stood the test of time, so join us as we remember the timeline of a horrible, horrible love that will last forever, God save us all.
Episode 101: Ronnie and Sammi are attracted to each other, but she gets swept up by the Situation. As it so often does, the Situation quickly deteriorates.
Episode 103: Sammi and Ronnie go on their first date riding go-karts, but when Ronnie dances with another girl, Sammi gets revenge by flirting with a hot cop. She declares that she is “done” with Ronnie, the first such declaration in a series that will eventually number in the quadrillions.
Episode 104: Sammi and Ronnie make up and she says, “It’s like goo-goo, ga-ga all over each other at the beginning, then you get real comfortable, and then shit goes down where you can’t even deal with each other.” They have known each other for around a week.
Episode 105: Sammi meets Ronnie’s parents when they visit the house. Lunch is delayed because Sammi has to do her hair.
Episode 106: Another huge fight ensues when Ronnie jokes that she has huge feet. Sammi stomps off, leaving giant footprints.
Episode 107: Sammi and Ronnie fight about whether or not they can be a couple and have their freedom, too. In a tender metaphor, all is forgiven after she grants him his freedom — by bailing him out of jail for punching a dude in the face.
Episode 108: In the first season finale, Ron and Sam profess their love at a candlelit dinner. Sammi says, “This summer, I slept with Ronnie every single night.” They break up at the reunion special, giving the term “reunion special” an oxymoronic twist.
Episode 201: Sammi arrives in Miami and wants to get back together with Ronnie. He responds by calling her “the C-word” in a cab on the way to the club, where he gets drunk and makes out with a “grenade” and a “land mine.” This is classy on at least eight levels.
Episode 202: After leaving his grenade and landmine at the club, Ronnie comes home and cuddles in bed with Sammi. In a lightning-quick breakup that would make a Kardashian proud, they split up again the next morning when Sammi finds his Ronnie’s ex’s phone number in his stuff. Well, they had a good run.
Episode 203: Ronnie makes out with more girls (assume they are grenades or land mines) and doesn’t tell Sammi. And we all just sat by and watched and did nothing.
Episode 204: The two get into a huge fight at the club and Ronnie says, “If the horse is dead, you have to leave the horse alone.” To be fair, this advice pretty much applies to all dead things.
Episode 205: Snooki and JWOWW leave an unsigned letter for Sammi telling her that Ronnie has been hooking up behind her back. Sammi says she is “done” with Ronnie for good, because anonymous scrawls never lie. You don’t want to know how many of her life’s choices have been dictated by bathroom graffiti.
Episode 206: Ronnie and Sammi talk intelligently and calmly about their relationship. This is the only time this ever happens.
Episode 207: After Ronnie defends Sammi in a fight with JWOWW, Sammi forgives Ronnie. She rewards him with sex.
Episode 209: Sammi and Ronnie, seemingly back together, go on a double date with Angelina and some guy she’s hooking up with. However, at this point, Angelina and the random guy have the more stable relationship at the table.
Episode 213: Sammi and Ronnie go out to a final dinner in Miami. They get in a fight over, literally, nothing.
Episode 301: Snooki tells Sammi that Ronnie’s mom thinks she’s “a bitch.” No one really takes the opposing viewpoint.
Episode 302: Ronnie and Sammi isolate themselves and skip “family dinner,” upsetting everyone in the house. Great, what is supposed to be for dessert now that Irrational Threat Pie is off the menu?
Episode 305: After a fight at the club, Ronnie throws all of Sammi’s things around the room and Sammi punches him in the jaw. Let’s play, “What happens next?” Were they found dead the next morning with their hands wrapped around each other’s necks, or did they make up? Yep, the latter.
Episode 306: After a fight brought on only by Sammi’s neediness, she tells Ronnie, “Look me in the face and break up with me, please.” Jeez, give the guy a second to remember his line!
Episode 307: Ronnie catches Sammi macking on another dude and flies into a rage, going home and trashing all of Sammi’s stuff and throwing her mattress out onto the porch. She leaves the house that night and everyone is relieved, including the mattress, which has seen some terrible, terrible things.
Episode 308: Left alone and depressed in the house, Ronnie thinks of leaving. Deena (remember her?) convinces him to stay. What’s the downside, right?
Episode 309: The rest of the crew, minus Ronnie, goes to Sammi’s house and convinces her to return to the Shore. She hopes they took her bed off the porch. Meanwhile, the mattress unsuccessfully files for a restraining order.
Episode 310: Ronnie tries to get back with Sam and she shoots him down. Everyone is still confused as to whether they are together or apart, and the “breakup a day” calendar got sauce on it so they can’t read it.
Episode 311: At the club, the Situation runs into his friend Arvin, who says he’s there to see Sammi, as they have been texting since she left the house. Ronnie believes the Situation, because Dancing With the Stars alums never lie; it’s the dancer’s code.
Episode 312: Sam and Ron have makeup sex. Then they break up again, possibly because the makeup sex was that good and is impossible to reproduce otherwise.
Episode 313: Sammi admits to having hooked up with Arvin years ago, before she knew Ronnie. He says they are “done for good” even though this action predates him, because he does not understand how timelines work.
Episode 401: During the hiatus, Ronnie and Sammi have reunited and broken up again. Even the media stops reporting on it.
Episode 402: Ronnie tells Sammi he’s hooked up with four girls in three days and she gets upset and storms out of the club. The rest of the roommates tell them they don’t care what happens as long as they stop the damn fighting.
Episode 403: Ugh, they’re back together. “Obviously, I love you,” Ronnie confesses on a rooftop in Florence. It is actually romantic. Please punch me for writing that.
Episode 404: Ronnie confesses that he called a girl he hooked up with and Sammi freaks out: “I don’t want anything to do with you again in my entire life.”
Episode 405: Good news, everybody, Sammi got reincarnated! Because after being broken up for only a day, she takes Ronnie back when he comes home from the club with a rose for her.
Episode 406: Vinny confronts the reunited couple and tells them if they’re going to fight, to keep it away from everyone else. Ronnie says, “We weren’t fighting, we were having a normal conversation.” Ah, so it was just a definitional problem!
Episode 408: When Jionni and Snooki get in a drunken fight, Sammi finally realizes how annoying her and Ronnie’s fighting must have been. Season four is traditionally the epiphany season.
Episode 409: Sammi and Ronnie think about their relationship and what it will take to make it work. This is possibly the only time we see them communicating with each other without shouting. Perhaps someone explained to Ronnie what the word conversation means?
Episode 412: We learn that it only takes Sammi and Ronnie five minutes to “smoosh.” Small victory for the mattress.
Episode 501: After season five had been filmed but before it aired, Ronnie and Sammi had broken up again, but they are still together on the show. No one is even sure what is going on anymore.
Episode 508: Sammi and Ronnie have been getting along all season. Nothing seems right anymore, but at least it’s quieter.
Episode 601: By the time the sixth season rolls around, the couple is already back together. Now that they have stopped fighting, there is little reason to pay attention to them.
Episode 613: In the series finale, Ronnie and Sammi tell their parents they’re moving in together. Everyone groans. The mattress inches itself toward the balcony and heaves itself over.
Epilogue: On an episode of Snooki & JWOWW that aired this year, the couple has a cameo and Sammi tells Snooki that they’re still together and that they don’t fight anymore, answering the philosophical question about what happens when two unpleasant people live together when no one’s watching. Thank God they don’t make a sound.
