Sitting in the theater watching Mamma Mia! Here We Go Again, it is tempting to believe that the first hour alone is the apex of cinema, an experience that cannot possibly be topped. Mamma Mia 2 has everything you never knew you needed in a film: a sparking blue ocean, dozens of perfectly calibrated spray tans, Lily James in maternity overalls, vibrantly choreographed musical numbers, and a really hot guy who says he owns a boat.
But it’s only at the climax of the movie when its true promise is fulfilled: Cher arrives. And in that transcendent moment, one of the core laws of the universe is forever cemented. It becomes clear that every single movie — no matter how flawless — would be infinitely better if it included Cher.
As Countess Luann once said, “Even Louis Vuitton makes mistakes,” which highlights how striking it is that Cher hasn’t made a single one. She hasn’t done many films — a travesty, since her track record is spotless. In less adept hands, Moonstruck is an anxious family drama. But with Cher as our guide, we barely remember that a hefty bank deposit almost went missing. We just know that inside we are wolves and that Cher looks gorgeous while watching the opera.
Silkwood is the kind of movie Oscars were made for, focusing on a small-town power-plant whistleblower played by Cher’s future Mamma Mia co-star Meryl Streep. That alone is almost too much for a single film, but wait, there’s more: Cher joins the cast as Meryl’s forlorn lesbian roommate, Dolly, who’s in love with a beautician at a funeral home. How that did not become the entire focus of the film is beyond us. But as it is, the combined cheekbone structures of young Cher and Meryl are enough to slice your heart wide open.
In The Witches of Eastwick, Jack Nicholson’s character smells. That’s a fact; Cher says it out loud at one point. There’s no excuse for someone that rich to smell, even if he is the Devil. If it weren’t for Cher he wouldn’t know. Thank you, Cher.
And Cher’s glory isn’t bound to live action. In Netflix’s recent animated film Home: Adventures With Tip & Oh, Cher performs a song entitled “Ooga Boo” in which she effortlessly portrays a glamorous, all-knowing, six-titted alien named Chercophonie, and explains everything that ever could be said about true love in under two minutes. If you’re looking for a perfect summer afternoon, may we suggest sitting in front of a fan and doing poppers while this video is on repeat?
We digress. But as we’ve very clearly demonstrated, any and all art is only improved upon by Cher’s presence. To prove our point even further, we’ve taken ten of this year’s summer blockbusters and outlined how they’d be demonstrably better if they had let Cher wander onto the set for a day or two.
1. The First Purge: A gritty prequel that looks at the beginning of a dystopian tradition where one night a year all crime is legal. Now imagine if Cher was there to haul off and slap anyone who got too crazy. Perhaps this is too powerful a plot device, one that would negate all future Purge movies. Sorry, it’s not our fault. That’s just the power of Cher.
2. Hereditary: A cryptic horror story that delves into the darkness of what the weight of our families can do to us. This movie left us not just saying “Hail, Paimon” but “More Paimon!” We’ve got an idea: Skip the origin story and let’s just watch Paimon meet Cher at a charity benefit. Sparks will fly. If power couple Cher and Paimon started recruiting for a satanic cult, we would be first in the tree house. Watch out, Scientology!
3. Ocean’s 8: A perfect cast? Almost! While this film had some of the biggest stars of our generation — including Sandra Bullock, Cate Blanchett, and Rihanna — the coveted diamond necklace they steal (the “Jeanne Toussaint”) was wasted space. It should have been played by Cher. She is the only human who could have done it.
4. Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom: If the Jurassic franchise has taught us anything, it’s that raptors are really smart. But let’s see how true that is when Cher shows up. Will they try to eat Cher — or will they wise up and take gigs as backup dancers in her new band? If they want Jurassic Park to be THE vacation destination, they had better choose the latter. It’s up to the raptors to pull this off. Otherwise, we’re taking our money to Lohan Beach House.
5. Deadpool 2: We’re not going to pretend we know what Deadpool 2 is about. That would be inauthentic. In the Cher version, she’s on her way to her Vegas residency when her tour bus breaks down and she stumbles upon a once-glorious Victorian estate. Frederique (Andy Garcia), the rugged master of the house, long ago forgot how to love as well as how to maintain his pool and hot tub. Slowly he lets her into his heart, and as their love grows, so does the correct pH balance of his personal aquatic park. The pool is dead no longer. End of Deadpool franchise.
6. Won’t You Be My Neighbor: We know this is a heartwarming documentary about Mr. Rogers. But let’s imagine if Cher were your neighbor. She wouldn’t chat much, but late at night you might see her floating through her garden, singing to the roses or telepathically communing with the moon in a chiffon cape. We’re sure the movie can spare ten minutes to get a peek at that!
7. Avengers: Infinity War: The role that Cher was BORN to play is that of “Infinity.” Research shows that Cher has never been limited by anything, including but not limited to time itself. Therefore, Cher is infinity. Cher hates war. This movie writes itself.
8. Sicario: Day of the Soldado: This is a movie about kidnapping and dirty cops and drug cartels, we think? There are explosions in the trailer and everyone is yelling at each other. We’re not sure where you’re gonna stick her, but it would literally take two Chers to get us to see it. Maybe she can sing the title over and over again to us.
9. Skyscraper: The Rock has to rescue his family from a burning skyscraper they just moved into. But who was their real-estate agent? You guessed it: Cher. Cher would make a fabulous real-estate agent. Imagine her in a crisp red blazer walking you through an elegant pied-à-terre, her sky-high stilettos gently clacking upon a terracotta floor. She would throw her hair back with just a pop of her neck as she pointed out the vaulted ceilings, her statement bracelets jangling together in a deafening roar. Imagine Cher demonstrating the settings on a dimmer. Throw in a scene or two of her talking about granite countertops, and you’ve got a thriller!
10. Slenderman: More like SlenderCher! She looks great and always has! Let’s celebrate that, and not some woods-dwelling rando whose whole thing is that he’s shy.
In closing, let’s take a moment and recognize that we as a society didn’t even deserve Burlesque, the 2010 musical starring Christina Aguilera as a small-town girl with a dream of stardom and Cher as the proprietor of a bar called the “Burlesque Lounge.” This masterpiece certainly wasn’t “ahead of it’s time,” but actually right on time. It also answered the important question, “What would Cabaret be like if it were really, really different?” Hopefully we can get to a place in our culture where the next time we are given the gift of Cher in a motorcycle hat, we receive it with open arms.
